Falling Short, Finding Strength

Show up, fight, be eager,

I do.

But my heart aches.

His words are cold, sharp like glass.

The ring hums beneath my feet. 

His silenced anger is louder than any word,

Never fast enough,

Never hard enough,

Never the version of a "man" he's hoping to see. 

Show up.

I do.

Be eager.

I do.

But I ache.

His words

cold, 

brutal,

shattering.

Nothing pleases him. 

My body trembling as my feet fall into the ring, fearful and uneasy. 

His silence crashes upon me, stronger than anything he could have said.

I'm here, but I am not a man.

Therefore,

I will never be enough for him. 

As I broke down this poem I embraced the "mess" Royal talks about in her essay, "Art of the Mistake". My original version was more structured, and could have a couple different ways of being interpreted. But when I broke up the words and let the poem fall apart, it became more real. It's the understanding of the poem where we find the raw vulnerable parts of its meaning. 

Specifically Rosal describes those moments when things don't go as planned and something beautiful emerges. When Rosal tells the story of June Jacinto, the dancer, and his accidental yet perfect slip up, it mirrors my poem where the attempt to meet external pressures results in vulnerability and imperfection. In my poem, I explain the struggle of striving but falling short in my coaches eyes, acknowledging the difficulty as a female athlete in a male dominated sport. Rosal connects to art, pointing out how imperfection reveals that mistakes and vulnerability are essential to the journey of life, subtly reflecting a deeper meaning to my poem.